how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
