There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
