So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Randomize
