mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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