I got her a Nickelback box set.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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