I wish I could teleport
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
