This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Randomize
