He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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