she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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