Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Randomize
