My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
