Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
so much tequila, so little girl.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
