I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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