I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
