No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
