Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
