i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
