I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
