Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I supernannyed him into submission
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
