but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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