Having a random hookup so left but love u
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
