I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
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