I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
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