You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
