Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
