just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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