____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
