Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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