a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
