Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
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We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
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And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
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