just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
