Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
