I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
