Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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