In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
