I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Randomize
