It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I hope mine doesn't look like that
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
