failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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