He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
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