i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
