I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Let's get the cat blown out
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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