What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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