its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
