i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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