you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
