I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
