I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
