turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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