Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
