Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
