I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Randomize
