I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
