i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
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