textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
