I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I don't want my vagina anymore.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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