just come out here and I will go home with you...
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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