The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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